I was sent this video, and I genuinely love it.
It speaks a powerful truth about adulthood, responsibility, and the moment in healing when we have to stop blaming our past and start owning our choices. Coming out of denial and into accountability is a necessary — and often painful — turning point in real growth.
I also appreciate anyone who thinks of me when they see videos, whether it’s the light, funny videos or the heavier ones like this. I don’t take that for granted.
I love this video — and I also love my parents. I don’t see them as monsters in my story.
I’m sharing it because I agree with its core message, and because it helped me see how my own healing is being misunderstood. What follows is my perspective — not to persuade or change anyone’s mind, but out of self-respect, so my voice and my hurts are finally out there without being filtered…. This is raw, and it’s real about where I’m at and what I’ve been holding. It doesn’t negate my healing, but is an honest part of it.
Believe it or not, I am owning my choices, my future, and my adulthood, and that has made people uncomfortable. I am taking responsibility for my life, my healing, and my peace. This means I am in therapy, recovery, church, and other things that are helping me grow and heal.
Like I said, I am touched when I get videos because I know I’m being thought of, however, this one in particular confirmed what I had been understanding about how people are understanding (or rather, not understanding) me and my healing. It seems I am being seen as someone living in the past and living in victim-hood. I guess because I actually talk about my past and what is still going on?
Here’s the thing: I can and have moved on from the past, but the same patterns keep showing up. The insistence that if I set boundaries, I am just being obstinate and stubborn. The confusion about why I even need boundaries. The way that what makes me safe and comfortable gets discarded and pushed over because it is not what the “adults” want. The guilt, shame, condemnation that shows up when I speak up or hold my ground.
I am an adult. I am taking charge of my life, and I am not going to be pushed around anymore or guilted back into places and conversations that don’t serve healing or safety. My safety, and what I need and want, have not been a factor. I offer to meet where I feel safe and simply say I will not meet at _____ location, and it’s too much to ask.
I am accused of starting sexual assault rumors, and not only am I not believed when I refute them, but people, my family, heard these rumors that I supposedly “started” and NO ONE, not one person in my family, checked on me. There was no: “Are you okay? I heard… is that true? How can I support you? What do you need?” I was whispered about and made a villain. I was met with anger and disgust and “How could you say that?” Their duty has been to the family image, not to my safety.
When something like that gets said, the person that was “assaulted” or wronged should be checked on or heard out. People’s minds shouldn’t just be made up that it didn’t happen just because it’s hard to imagine or they didn’t know. GOD FORBID that had actually happened. This is why women don’t come forward, and this is why women that have been abused get into such desperate mindsets.
Along with that, rumors have gone on about me and my fiancé, and it has been nasty and disrespectful, and people close to me have been at the center of it. (How can someone who is KNOWN for lying, and for having narcissistic traits, be so easily believed right off the bat without even consulting me? Why is he believed and I am bad?)
So yes, I WILL distance myself and make myself less available and be picky with where and who I spend my energy on. It’s exhausting. And you know what? I haven’t spoken ill or started any rumors or slander about my family or anyone. I have told parts of my story and it pisses people off and makes them uncomfortable. But you know what? It is my life and my story to tell. MY life has been uncomfortable, and my story can make a difference.
I have wrestled and bargained with and grappled with different parts of my story and the things that have happened. I have done the WORK, the painful and uncomfortable work of healing. But I can’t heal enough for everyone else. And the truly healed version of me isn’t going to look the same as everyone recognizes, and she is going to protect herself and not overlook abuse. She doesn’t let people back in at the same level of relationship without accountability.
Blood no longer equals access. This means if someone has directly abused me, they don’t get access until they heal and they take accountability. This means that people who protect the abusers or the family image over the hurt individuals don’t get access the same way.
I finally am protecting me. And I am healing. I’m not sure why that is so invisible to people. I guess because my healing doesn’t lead me back to making people feel good about themselves, and the healed me isn’t going to be managed or gaslit.
I will tell my story. I will share my hurts and my progress. It’s not too personal. It’s not harmful. It’s not wrong. It’s truth the way I lived it. It’s capable of making a difference.
Unhealed and toxic people don’t get the same closeness that they had before. I’m responsible for ME. I am not responsible for anyone else’s feelings, healing, or comfort. I’m not doing that anymore.
It is not up to me to fix everything. That has been my role my whole life. I’m not doing it. I’m doing my part. They are the parents. I am fixing what I can, but I can’t do it for them. They are the parents.
It’s not my JOB to be the bigger person. When I hear someone say “be the bigger person,” I hear: put my needs and myself aside again to make things better and more comfortable for someone else. Abandon myself again? Absolutely not!
I’m at peace with my life as it is. I’m at peace with my decisions. I stand by them. I own them. I’m not chasing anyone. I’m not begging to be heard anymore. I’m not pleading my case. What they want to hear and believe, as much as it hurts, that’s their choice. They are making choices too, and I’m doing the best I can with what I’ve got.
I wish my healing and progress were seen, and not just overlooked or demonized because it doesn’t restore equilibrium.
I love my family, and the people in my life, but I need them to know where I’m hurting. I just wish, just once, someone could TRULY set aside what they heard, and ask me what is going on, and genuinely want to know. Not to try and fix things, not to try and “get me back,” but to really hear me, understand me, and sit with me.
I wish I could just be believed. I wish I could be asked actual questions, heard out, and be believed.
I didn’t need my parents to be perfect. I didn’t need to never be hurt. I need, now, to be heard. Cared about as an individual, not as part of a system that defected. I need to be respected. I need to not be pushed. I need to be safe. I need patience. I need to be heard and supported when I say something or someone doesn’t feel safe.
I need to be treated like an adult who can make her own decisions, who can build her own life and choose who is with her. I need people to not be hurt for who hurt me. I need people to not keep being scared because I am changing, but celebrate and recognize the change and growth.
I need genuine care. I need my words and my actions to not be used as leverage or ammo against me later.
These are things I am looking for, and honestly, when I can’t get those from people, I don’t throw a fit. I just put distance between me and them. Not out of revenge or punishment, but out of respect for the little girl in me that was never protected, and for the woman I am today and will be tomorrow.
I am not going to ask for any of these things. These are basic needs, but I will distance myself when I don’t get them.
And I will continue to live my life, not perform it in a way to appease others that are part of my life, and not in a way that goes away quietly.