There is something steady and humbling about preparing for marriage when you are no longer naïve.
KD and I recently began working through Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts alongside the SYMBIS assessment and premarital counseling. We are not doing this because our relationship is fragile. We are doing it because it matters.
We want to build something that lasts.
And if there is one thing Chapter One makes clear, it is this:
You do not bring love into a marriage.
You bring yourself.
The Gift of Experience, Even the Hard Kind
I have been married before.
That reality is not a shadow over this relationship. It is part of my formation.
I have learned what avoidance costs.
I have learned what happens when expectations stay unspoken.
I have learned how easy it is to drift into “me-centered” thinking without realizing it.
And I say this gently and honestly: I wish I had this kind of structured preparation earlier in life.
I wish someone had handed me tools like SYMBIS.
I wish someone had insisted on intentional counseling before vows were spoken.
I wish I had understood how much personal health determines marital health.
But regret is not the point.
Growth is.
Experience, even painful experience, can become wisdom when you are willing to examine it instead of bury it.
From Me-Centered to God-Centered
One of the most powerful shifts for me has been recognizing the difference between:
A relationship built around personal fulfillment
and
A relationship anchored in Christ.
When a relationship is me-centered, the questions sound like:
- Am I getting what I need?
- Am I being validated?
- Is this making me happy?
When it is God-centered, the questions begin to change:
- Are we becoming more like Christ together?
- Are we honoring Him in how we handle conflict?
- Are we submitting our pride before we defend it?
We are not pretending to have this mastered. But we are intentionally choosing to build our covenant under the guidance of the Holy Spirit instead of our emotions alone.
There is peace in that.
Doing the Work Before the Wedding
What has surprised us most is this:
As we opened the book and reviewed our SYMBIS results, we realized we were already doing much of this work.
We have been:
- Naming triggers instead of hiding them.
- Talking about expectations before they calcify.
- Examining family patterns instead of blaming each other.
- Putting fears on the table before they grow teeth.
We are not waiting until after vows to “figure it out.”
We are preparing our hearts now.
That preparation includes asking uncomfortable questions:
- What baggage am I bringing?
- Where do I still react instead of respond?
- What do I secretly expect you to fix for me?
- Where do I need deeper surrender to God?
There is something incredibly freeing about laying everything on the table before we say “I do.”
No hidden contracts.
No silent rules.
No pretending.
Preparation as Strength, Not Weakness
We have not begun premarital counseling yet. But we are preparing for it.
After completing the SYMBIS assessment, we chose to begin working intentionally through Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts so that when we sit down with our pastor, we are not walking in cold.
We are walking in aware.
There is something powerful about choosing preparation before someone requires it. We are not waiting for conflict to push us into structure. We are inviting structure before crisis.
The assessment has already sparked conversations that might have stayed buried:
- How do we each handle stress?
- What expectations are we carrying?
- Where are our strengths?
- Where do we need growth?
We are doing the work now so that counseling becomes refinement, not repair.
That shift matters.
Seeking preparation does not signal weakness. It signals value. When you value something deeply, you protect it before it fractures.
We are not approaching marriage casually. We are approaching it consciously.
And that alone is strengthening us.
Stronger Because We Choose to Be
Marriage does not magically fix what is unexamined.
But intentional preparation strengthens what is already healthy.
We are learning that:
- Self-awareness protects unity.
- Humility protects intimacy.
- Surrender protects peace.
And perhaps most importantly:
We are not just preparing for a wedding day.
We are preparing for decades.
We are choosing to follow our hearts, yes. But we are also choosing to lead them. To submit them. To allow the Holy Spirit to refine them.
That kind of preparation does not weaken love.
It anchors it.
And we can only be stronger and more centered because of it.
FAQs
1. Why do premarital counseling if the relationship is already strong?
Because strength is preserved through intentionality. Research from John Gottman shows that self-awareness and proactive conflict skills predict long-term stability more than chemistry alone. Counseling strengthens foundations before stress tests them.
2. Can past marriages actually prepare someone for a healthier future marriage?
Yes, if reflection and growth occur. Clinical literature consistently shows that insight into previous relational patterns reduces repetition of those patterns. Experience becomes wisdom when examined honestly rather than defended.
3. What makes a marriage God-centered instead of self-centered?
A God-centered marriage prioritizes obedience, humility, and covenant over ego or convenience. Scripture frames love as sacrificial and patient (1 Corinthians 13:4–7, NIV). When both partners submit pride to Christ, unity deepens beyond emotion alone.
References
Gottman, John M., and Nan Silver. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Harmony Books, 2015.
https://www.gottman.com/product/the-seven-principles-for-making-marriage-work/
Parrott, Les, and Leslie Parrott. Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts: Seven Questions to Ask Before and After You Marry. Zondervan, 2015.
https://zondervan.com/p/saving-your-marriage-before-it-starts/
SYMBIS Assessment. Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts Assessment.
https://www.symbis.com/
The Holy Bible, New International Version. Biblica, 2011.
We’d Love to Hear From You
If you’ve walked this road before us, we’d genuinely value your voice.
Did you do premarital counseling? What did it prepare you for well?
What caught you off guard after the vows were spoken?
Was there something you wish someone had gently helped you see sooner?
And if you didn’t have structured preparation, what do you wish you’d known before stepping into covenant?
Marriage has a way of revealing what we didn’t even know we needed to learn. Some lessons are beautiful. Some are refining. All of them matter.
Share your experience in the comments or send us a message. Your story may be the quiet wisdom another couple needs as they prepare before their own promise. 💍✨