For a long time, I never thought of myself as a controlling person.
Honestly, I think part of the reason is because I grew up with very little control over my own life. Decisions were often made for me. My feelings, fears, and needs frequently felt secondary to keeping peace, keeping appearances, or keeping systems functioning. Eventually, that internal pressure and lack of agency showed up physically too. I developed an eating disorder.
Looking back now, I can see that eating disorders are often deeply connected to anxiety, hyper-vigilance, and the desperate need to regain some sense of control when life feels emotionally unsafe.
The irony is that I did not become someone who outwardly controlled everyone around me. Instead, I became someone who learned to survive by monitoring everything around me.
What Hypervigilance Actually Does to a Person
That is what hypervigilance does.
Hypervigilance is a nervous system state where your brain is constantly scanning for danger, conflict, rejection, or emotional instability. It often develops in environments where love, safety, approval, or peace feel unpredictable. Your body learns to stay “on.” You anticipate problems before they happen. You try to emotionally prepare yourself for pain before it arrives.
You become exhausted without even realizing why.
By the grace of God, I have done a lot of healing in that area. But recently I realized something important:
My struggle with control still shows up when it comes to protecting my husband.
When Someone You Love Is Being Attacked
As attacks, accusations, assumptions, and hostility came against him, I felt powerless. I could not stop it. I could not shield him from it. I could not control what people believed, what people said, or what people chose to spread.
And that feeling brought something intense out of me.
I was struggling because I knew it was not true. I knew things were being twisted. And I know what an amazing man my husband is.
I have seen the growth.
I have seen the maturity.
I have seen the effort he puts into himself and into our marriage.
It is a privilege to witness.
So watching his image and character be questioned and jeopardized by someone who does not truly know him, does not know us, and does not want to know us, was beyond maddening.
My chest burned with anger.
I felt volatile.
I felt hostile.
That is not who I am.
I joked that I wanted to wear a sticker warning people not to cross me. And even saying that felt strange because it is so opposite of my normal nature.
But it is odd what rises up in you when someone you love feels threatened.
Especially when you cannot stop it.
How Hyper-vigilance Creates a Need for Control
I think a lot of my desire for control came from hypervigilance. From years of living emotionally alert and braced for impact. And in this situation specifically, it came from fear of my husband being hurt. Fear of what this stress, hostility, and public pressure would do to him emotionally.
I wanted to protect him.
I wanted to shield him.
I wanted to make it stop.
And honestly, underneath all of that was grief too.
Grief that people could look at someone I love so deeply and reduce him to assumptions, rumors, old narratives, or one-sided opinions instead of actually knowing the man he is today.
Grief that some people would rather protect a story they already decided to believe than have a real conversation.
Grief that love, growth, consistency, and healing are sometimes ignored when they do not fit the version of reality others prefer.
Learning to Lay Control Down
For days, I carried that tension in my chest.
I prayed constantly. I laid it down at God’s feet over and over again. I prayed for perspective. I prayed for grace. I prayed for the people actively wishing harm on us. I reached out to some family members hoping for support and understanding, but honestly, I did not find what I was hoping for.
And strangely enough, that disappointment pushed me closer to God instead of further from Him.
Because eventually there was nowhere else to lean.
Then today, something shifted.
I woke up peaceful.
Not because everything was fixed.
Not because the conflict disappeared.
Not because people suddenly understood us.
I woke up realizing I did not need the control I had been grasping for.
I know myself.
I know my husband.
I know God.
And honestly, I know my uncle too.
There is no controlling other people.
There is no controlling outcomes.
There is no controlling opinions.
There is no controlling how committed someone is to misunderstanding you.
Control was always partly an illusion.
That realization did not make me hopeless.
It made me free.
Surrendering Control and Finding Peace
Because when you stop trying to control everything around you, you finally have the energy to steward what actually belongs to you: your character, your healing, your marriage, your peace, your obedience to God, and your response to suffering.
I am not saying my struggles with control are magically gone. Healing is rarely that simple. Hypervigilance does not disappear overnight. Nervous systems shaped by stress, unpredictability, fear, or emotionally controlling environments often need time, safety, consistency, prayer, and intentional healing to calm down.
But now when those feelings rise up, I know I have a choice.
I can grip tighter.
Or I can lay it down again.
And I want to keep laying it down.
I do not want to carry the same fear, tension, anxiety, and emotional pressure that shaped so much of my earlier life. I do not want my marriage built on panic and emotional survival. I do not want healing to stop the moment life becomes unfair again.
I owe it to myself.
I owe it to my husband.
I owe it to the people around me.
So I will keep healing.
I will keep surrendering.
I will keep trusting God with outcomes I cannot control.
And today felt different.
Not perfect.
Not finished.
But different.
Different in the kind of way that feels like freedom beginning to settle into your bones.
FAQs
What is hypervigilance?
Hypervigilance is a heightened state of awareness where a person constantly scans for danger, conflict, rejection, or emotional threats. It commonly develops after prolonged stress, trauma, emotionally unpredictable environments, or controlling family systems.
Can fear of losing control come from past emotional experiences?
Yes. People who grew up feeling emotionally unsafe or powerless often develop anxiety around protecting themselves or loved ones. The nervous system can become conditioned to anticipate danger and attempt to manage outcomes to prevent pain.
What does surrendering control actually look like?
Surrendering control does not mean becoming passive or indifferent. It means recognizing what belongs to you and what does not. You can control your character, choices, healing, and response, but not the opinions, actions, or narratives of others.
References & Citations
Bible verses:
• Philippians 4:6–7
• Matthew 6:27
• 1 Peter 5:7
Public references:
• Cleveland Clinic – Hypervigilance Overview
• Psychology Today – Understanding Hypervigilance and Anxiety
• National Library of Medicine – Trauma and Hypervigilance Research