From Earning Love to Being Loved
In most cultures, there is a special relationship between a father and daughter. Most people can agree that the relationship a daughter has with her father will directly shape the rest of her life. We learn what to expect from men by looking to our father. Psychologists have looked at the various ways this unique relationship molds different areas of a daughter’s life.
Looking at the Studies
You don’t have to just take my word for it. Research and Christian counselors both point the same direction:
In the U.S., nearly 1 in 4 children grow up in a home without a biological, step, or adoptive father present. Children from father-absent homes are at much higher risk for depression, poverty, school dropout, behavioral issues, and even prison.
Even when a dad is physically present, emotional absence or control can still leave deep marks. Fathers play a particularly strong role in shaping a daughter’s self-confidence, mental health, and future relationships.
Christian writers and counselors have been saying for years that a young woman’s relationship with her father deeply affects her view of men, her view of God, and her view of herself.
Attachment research shows that the way we attach to our parents often becomes the pattern for how we relate to God. Our “internal working model” of what a parent is like gets copied onto our image of Him.
In other words:
If your dad was warm and safe, it may feel more natural to picture a loving Heavenly Father.
If your dad was harsh, critical, or unpredictable, it’s very easy to assume God is the same way.
What if They’re Trained Wrong?
Being raised in a Christian home, I was at church nearly every Sunday. Hearing all the Bible stories, learning all the Sunday school answers, and knowing all the songs too. I thought I understood and knew God.
“God loves you. He sent His Son for you. He forgives sins. He’s a merciful and just God. He has a plan for your life. He wants to use you for His purposes.” I knew all of these and many more.
What I didn’t realize for a long time was this:
My relationship with my father was subconsciously teaching me what to expect from God.
So despite me knowing all the Sunday school answers, all the stories, all the characteristics I had been taught from a child, I often imagined God with the same temperament and mind as my earthly father: harsh, critical, angry, unsteady, shaming, and controlling. I KNEW the information about God, but I didn’t realize it. I’ll show you what I mean.
“God is loving and forgiving of sins” – but in my mind, if I messed up too much, He would give up on me and stop loving and wanting me.
“God sees me as His child” – in my mind, if I disappointed too many times He would discard me.
“God knows my heart and my needs” – but in my mind, despite me doing the best I could, I didn’t deserve His love, His grace, and His providence.
“I can go to God no matter what” – but if I felt I’d messed up, I needed to earn my way back into His good graces before I went to Him.
“I’m forgiven” – but I couldn’t forgive myself and I didn’t feel forgiven. I couldn’t let go, so how could God?
I knew the information to the contrary in my head, but I didn’t realize it in my heart. It wasn’t real to me. I could believe it for everyone else, but in my own mind and heart I was beyond hope. I was quick to repent to God, but if I slipped and did the same thing again, I found myself fearfully pleading in my heart that He just forgive that sin one more time.
Here’s the thing, Proverbs 22:6 says:
“Train up a child in the way that he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.”
I love this verse, and I know a lot of parents have this in mind when they get their kids into church on Sunday mornings. Kids can get a lot out of church on Sundays and God can do wonders. But the keyword is “train.” One Sunday sermon a week is not enough to train a child up. What are they receiving and being guided with every other day of the week?
Train your child up—but what if they’re trained wrong?
Parents want them to know that their heavenly Father loves them, but what does love really look like day to day? For me it was a lot of criticizing, harsh words, name-calling, etc., with the “You know I love you, right?” tagged on at the end.
This caused confusion in a HUGE way. This was where my heart and mind didn’t line up. I knew the facts but didn’t realize them in my heart because all my training pointed to the contrary. Fathers are the first “God” their child will meet. Daughters especially take their words to heart.
“The power of life and death is in the tongue,” and the words reaching my heart weren’t lining up with God’s truth. The hard truth of this was that I felt more guilt because of this. I felt guilty for each and every perceived flaw as well as doubting God’s truth. I was often anxious and fearful and full of shame when it came to approaching God. I’d have moments of relief and glimpses of understanding and confidence but never lasting.
When It All Started To Shift
While I was in high school, I began to realize that the way things were between me and my father were not right, but it took me about three years beyond that to recognize the correlation between that and my view on God.
It actually took a random sermon from a pastor on YouTube that I had never heard of. It was scary when my perception of God started to slip because I had held onto it for so long, and it was a foreign and daunting idea to actually lay down the negative ways I thought of myself. But I knew I had to if I wanted to fully grasp who God was and really believe all the things He says about me.
It truly felt like I was grappling with myself and God; fighting to let it go. There were so many feelings and realizations I was having to come to terms with. I leaned into the Bible and online sermons, in-person sermons, worship music, and anything I could get my hands on.
My quiet times early in the morning deepened and changed. I was no longer shaky and fearful, but shaky and emotional, begging for revelation and understanding. Like much of my awareness and growth, it was a fight and a dance all at once. I was fighting myself and everything I thought I understood, and having small moment-to-moment victories.
It became: “How long can I hold onto the actual truth before it slips, and I fall back into fear?” Each moment was a victory—and then I’d slip into fear, and then I’d lay it back down and be resolved to not let the fear grip me. Over time it would come back. It was literal spiritual warfare. I felt like my mind and understanding were being fought over.
I did a lot of crying and a lot of praising. I was having to come to terms with the fact that my earthly father is a broken man, and his brokenness tried to break me. However, my heavenly Father is nothing like that. He truly is good, and He truly wants and loves me unconditionally. I remember apologizing to God for putting my dad’s shortcomings onto God my Father. I also remember being mad and grieving all the time I misunderstood God.
It took me even longer to see myself how God does, and honestly, I am still daily coming to terms with His view of me.
What Changed…
My training is taking a lot of deprogramming, but God is patient with me.
Much has changed in my life as a byproduct of my view of God and myself shifting. Fear is not the driving and determining factor in my life and neither is shame. Manipulation, control, guilt, condemnation, those don’t have a place anymore.
God gave me a voice and, a little over a year ago, I began to use it. Using my voice was a scary thing because I was fearful of the backlash and of rocking the boat. I began to slowly stick up for myself, beginning in small ways. I don’t know how much of a difference it made while I was living with my parents; half the time I was convinced that it made things worse.
However, things appearing worse in the moment was hardly the point for me. The point was that I was someone worth standing up for, and I was finally going to do it. Then I began sticking up for others around me better too, and more firmly.
The fact that I was in a place of knowing who I was in God and who He is meant that I wasn’t using my voice in an angry way or a mean way, but in a very resolved and calm way. For instance:
“That’s not true.”
“I’m not a ___.” (Fill in the blank with something condescending and/or derogatory.)
“I’m simply not afraid of you anymore.” (This is the one that set my dad into a quiet spiral for a few days because it broke the control he needed.)
“Why would you talk to your wife that way?” or “your daughter?”
“Do not threaten me physically. I have a right, if not as your daughter, then as a basic person, to not tolerate being threatened in this way.”
All simple and CALM statements, but they had a lasting effect on his mind and, in small ways, my confidence.
This isn’t to say that I wasn’t nervous when standing up for myself; I absolutely was. However, I had to fight with myself through it if fear was allowing me to stay in a situation that compromised me. Those moments were not full of disrespect, arrogance, anger, or self-righteousness, but were actually moment-to-moment prayed over and were simply full of (some nerves) and resolve.
Confidence has been gained every step I take toward growth and safety. The fact that God is inside me and is on my side and wants me safe and healthy and thriving. That changes everything. God fights for me and goes before me.
This being said, I am not all the way “there.” Confidence is still shaky at times, but I recognize it and can adjust. When I talk to my dad and a couple of others, I still shut down. When some of those people start out nice and calm, my anxiety still goes up, and I become really agreeable and will momentarily let down my guard and compromise on my boundaries. Overall, I’ve gained more strength, awareness, and confidence—and those are huge victories for me.
Aside from confidence, I’ve been able to let go of things easier and cope with things more gracefully. I’ve learned more and more what forgiveness looks like and been able to extend it in a more full and healthy way, beginning with forgiving myself.
Love is now something I allow myself to feel from God, myself, and others. This was a major win for me. Seeing myself as someone worth loving and sticking around for was completely foreign before I understood God more completely.
God is not waiting for me to mess up so He can turn His back or beat me with a Billy club. He is there to guide me and pick me up when I fall and embrace me. Fear is not something I have to feel when I repent of my sins because I know whose I am.
Understanding God better has also helped me in discerning and protecting myself from those with poor intentions. Getting closer to God’s heart, I can now tell when spiritual jargon is used in a way that reflects God’s heart and when it doesn’t. The words may sound good and look good on paper, but what is the heart behind them? Do they bring healing and draw me closer to God, or do they bring judgment, condemnation, and guilt? Do they bring peace and understanding, or anxiety and chaos?
Learning that people can use the right words and phrases, and even have good knowledge of the Bible, and still use them in a way that is so far from God’s heart has really helped protect me.
I’m far more aware that I answer to God and live solely for God. If I am in prayer and allowing Him to change and shape my life while I walk out my life for Him, then that is what matters. Pleasing everyone around me used to be an obsession, but now if God is happy, then that’s my main concern.
Finally, I began to see life as something to conquer—something I really wanted to live.
Before, I felt completely hopeless and defeated. I didn’t want to live. Hiding my despair behind a smile was the norm for me because I was afraid to admit that truth to myself, let alone anyone else. In my darkest places I considered suicide and self-harm, and I had a major eating disorder. This scared me. Unaware of how I got to that point, I just continued to hide behind the smile and push the thoughts aside and to the back of my mind.
This was a huge rollercoaster from that point to where I am now—up and down. God was faithful even at my lowest points, and even when I had those dark thoughts in my mind, I found myself leaning into Him and crying out to Him. He draws near to the brokenhearted, and I clung to that promise with all I had.
Now, I am really living in the freedom and joy that God has given. He walked with me as I learned how to do that, and had missteps, and learned to fully lean on Him. I look forward to life now and lean into changes and growing and truly living. I’m excited at the opportunities that God is giving me.
If This Resonates With You…
For the girls with the damaged view of God: He’s not flinching away from you.
He’s not waiting for you to fall short so He can turn His back.
He’s right there. He desires you. He’s not mad at you. He delights in you. His heart breaks for you.
As much as we daughters want to be truly understood by our fathers here on earth, I have to believe that God wants to be understood by us as well.
Your heavenly Father won’t hurt you the way you have been hurt.
He wants to heal you. He paid the ransom for your life, so you didn’t have to die.
He forgives you.
You are worthy.
You are beautiful.
With Him, you’re enough, and He wants you as you are. You don’t have to clean yourself up before running to Him. He’s the only One who can do that. He KNOWS you and LOVES you unconditionally. You could never earn it, and it’s there freely for you.
I know it can be hard to trust, hard to lean in, hard to let your hope go up, and hard to let anyone close enough to know and love you. But He’s worth trying. YOU’RE worth it. He knows you better than anyone ever could. He knows your shortcomings, flaws, scars, damage, and counts it all and wants you.
God has a purpose for your life. He has good and perfect things for you. He has an identity for you. He has LIFE for you. He has love, healing, and patience for you. He’s not your earthly dad. Not even close.
I’m sure it’s hard to think of God as a “Father” if you’ve been hurt by your earthly one. God isn’t afraid of your wounds, doubts, fears, etc. He can take it.
You owe it to yourself to be patient with both yourself and God and give it a try. Try and let yourself be loved.
You’re loved.
You’re worth knowing.
You’re worth living.
There’s so much in store for you.
Keep living. Rest in God. He has rest and peace for you. Just reach out to Him.
There’s nothing wrong with you, and you’re not bad for feeling this way. You’re not dishonoring God by having a fractured view of Him and of love. You don’t have to earn His love, His forgiveness, His healing, or good status with Him. He’s closer than your next breath. He’s not your abuser, your critic, or your accuser. You will not feel condemnation or shame from God. Those types of feelings are your training, not God.
I encourage you to be honest with yourself and God about your thoughts and perceptions of God. I encourage you to pray and admit where you’re hurting. Then sit still and quietly as you pray. Let God reveal Himself to you. Be consistent. Real healing takes time and consistency. Relationships take those same things.
You don’t have to be eloquent or perform. Let someone safe in. Journaling what I felt from my earthly dad, and what I felt while spending time with God, helped me notice the difference. Just reach out.
If you are in crisis, please call for help. Call a trusted friend. Call 911. Call 988 for an emotional lifeline.
Your life is worth living. ????