As I have been studying forgiveness, Romans 12:14 has really stuck with me: “Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse.” I understand forgiveness is something God calls me to do, but this verse has made me think more deeply about what it actually means to bless those who hurt you.
What does that look like when the hurt was real, the words were cruel, and nothing has necessarily been made right? Does blessing someone mean simply praying for them, or does it also change the way I speak about them, respond to them, and carry what happened?
Luke 6:27-28 says, “Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you.” Matthew 5:44 says, “Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you.”
Jesus makes it pretty clear that praying for people who have wronged us is part of following Him. But I am learning there is more to blessing someone than saying a prayer and moving on.
We Have Been Praying for Them
This part actually isn’t new for us. We have been praying for them for a long time. Even in the thick of the insults, accusations, and some pretty vile attacks using the Bible, we still prayed for them.
Were we doing it perfectly? Absolutely not. There were times we prayed for them and then turned around and cursed them with our words. There were conversations between us where anger took over and we said things that weren’t very Christlike. We were praying for them, but at the same time we were still carrying a lot of anger.
That has changed drastically over the last several months. The prayers have continued, but much of the cursing has stopped. We aren’t sitting around hoping something bad happens to anyone. We aren’t asking God to punish them or make them hurt. We are trying to leave those things with God.
Our prayers have stayed pretty simple. We pray that God lights their path so they can see Him and follow Him. We pray that they seek Him daily instead of their own ways. We pray that whatever hurt they have suffered is lifted from them, that their hearts can heal, and that they can find real joy in their lives.
We pray that they find God, that they find healing, and that they find joy.
Bless and Do Not Curse
When I look at Romans 12:14 now, I notice there are two parts: “Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse.”
Maybe the biggest change for us hasn’t been learning how to pray for them. We were already doing that. The change has been learning how to stop cursing them after we prayed.
Cursing doesn’t have to mean actually putting a curse on somebody. For me, it can be the things I say when I’m angry. It can be hoping somebody gets what I feel they deserve. It can be wanting them to hurt because they hurt KD. It can be talking badly about them or secretly enjoying it when something goes wrong for them.
I can pray for somebody in the morning and still tear them apart with my words later that afternoon. I can tell God I forgive somebody and still hope He proves me right and them wrong. That doesn’t sound much like “bless and do not curse.”
That’s something God has been working on in me.
Sometimes Blessing Means Not Firing Back
I am also learning that sometimes blessing somebody means not firing back.
I can defend myself. I can point out what somebody else did wrong. I can bring up things from their past. I can probably find words that would hurt if I really wanted to.
But just because I can say something doesn’t mean I should.
There have been plenty of times when I wanted to fire back. Sometimes I did. I’m learning that I don’t have to answer everything. I don’t have to correct every person who has the wrong idea about me. I don’t have to win every argument.
Sometimes the better thing for me to do is say nothing and let God handle what I can’t.
That isn’t always easy for me, but I’m getting better at it.
Blessing Them Doesn’t Mean Hiding My Story
This is something else I have had to think about. If I’m learning not to fire back, does that mean I should stop writing about the things happening in my life?
I don’t believe it does.
I would still be writing if I knew with 100 percent certainty that the people involved would never read a word of it. I’m not writing for them.
I write because I want to share the work Christ is doing in me. I write about the things happening in my life since being introduced to the Holy Spirit. I write hoping someone dealing with similar anger, rejection, resentment, or family problems might read something here and turn toward God instead of holding onto their anger.
I write for my Christian friends. I write for my non-Christian friends and readers. And I write for me.
Writing has become part of my testimony. It helps me see the work God is doing in me, and it helps me not be afraid to talk about it.
Some of what I have shared is pretty personal. I’ve admitted my anger. I’ve admitted resentment. I’ve admitted that I wanted to lash out. I’ve written about things in myself that God is working on that someone could easily throw back at me and say, “See, we knew he was a mess. We knew he had problems.”
That’s okay.
I’m not writing to prove that I have everything together. I don’t. I’m writing about what Christ is doing with the parts of me that aren’t together.
Jesus talks in Matthew 5 about not lighting a lamp and then putting it under a basket. He says to let our light shine so others can see and give glory to God.
That’s what I want to do.
I don’t want to hide what Christ is doing in my life because somebody might not like what I write or might use my honesty against me.
But there is also a line I don’t want to cross. I don’t want to use my testimony as a weapon. I don’t want to write something just to embarrass somebody, prove them wrong, or fire another shot at them.
I won’t hide my story to keep someone else comfortable. But I also don’t want to use my story to hurt them back.
There is a difference.
Blessing Someone Doesn’t Mean Giving Them Access
I also don’t believe blessing someone means everything suddenly goes back to normal. I can pray for someone and still have boundaries. I can hope God does amazing things in their life without needing to be part of their life.
I can pray for their health, their family, their marriage, their work, and their relationship with God. I can genuinely hope they find peace and joy. None of that requires me to put myself or my wife back into a situation that we believe is unhealthy.
I can want good things for someone from a distance. I can forgive without restoring trust that hasn’t been rebuilt. I can bless without reopening a door.
What If Nothing Ever Changes?
This is probably one of the harder parts.
What if they never apologize? What if they never understand our side? What if they continue believing the same things about us?
Can I still bless them?
Jesus doesn’t seem to put conditions on it. He doesn’t say to pray for people once they apologize or bless them after they change. He tells me to pray for them.
That means their response isn’t really the point.
I spent a lot of time wanting people to understand, wanting things made right, and wanting people to see what I saw. I’m learning that I don’t need any of those things before I can have peace.
Their hearts belong to God, and so does mine.
I have enough work to do on mine.
What Blessing Them Looks Like for Me
So what does blessing them actually look like for me?
I think it means praying for them instead of against them. It means asking God to heal them, guide them, protect them, and draw them closer to Him. It means not hoping they fail or celebrating when something goes wrong. It means watching what comes out of my mouth when I’m angry and sometimes choosing not to fire back at all.
It also means asking God to keep working on me.
I don’t want to spend all my time praying for God to change somebody else while ignoring what He is trying to change in me.
We aren’t perfect at this. I’m definitely not. There are still things that can make me angry, and there are still times when my first thoughts aren’t very Christlike. But when I look back over the last several months, I can see a difference.
We were already praying for them.
God has been teaching us how to stop cursing them after we pray.
Maybe that’s one of the simplest ways I can explain what Romans 12:14 is teaching me right now.
Bless them. Pray for them. Want good for them. Watch my own words and my own heart. Don’t use my testimony as a weapon. Then leave them with God and keep moving forward.